So apparently my access to my other blog is now non-existent, yet it's still up.. Odd. So here I go again, starting yet another new one.
I know I've not been having a great time but the last week or so has been ridiculous, lots of crying, lots of panicking and not enough sleep. It mostly centres on life, how I don't feel fit for even that and my inability to work.
Embedded in me, is a deep shame for being unwell. I doubt it'd be any easier if it was a physical illness but I feel in ways it perhaps would be. As there's still such a limited understanding to mental illness, as I ranted about to my partner last night (not aimed at him); unless people have personal experience with it, the understanding still isn't there, I still feel people aren't being properly educated on mental health issues and how to help someone with them.
I am CRIPPLED by this. I am so anxious at the moment it has began to manifest as physical symptoms, leading to weight loss, I panic all the time, I've got obsessions and compulsions which for a period had calmed down, sadly they've now returned full force. I'm alone a lot, which is fine ordinarily, but now I'm not great it's a little more difficult. I find it really difficult to explain what is setting me off and when I speak to professionals they'll feed me with what they think is wrong.
My GP even, is the polar opposite of what you would call understanding which led to yesterdays big bout of distress.
I'm so envious of those that get to go out, go to work, see people and make a difference. As work previously really helped me, I was proud of myself, more confident and felt I was making a positive contribution. However now it seems I'm too fucked to do most things. Sometimes being unable to leave the house even. I've got so many ideas - too many ideas on what to do with myself. Unfortunately my body isn't delivering in being able to make them any more than ideas. I've no energy. Which is hilarious considering I'm so restless and unable to sit still/lay down/sleep as I'd normally partially deal with these things.
Also, I've hidden the degree of my 'not feeling too good' from people that are really important to me, because I'm so embarrassed, ashamed and can't begin to explain the how I feel and why I feel the way I feel.
Part of it boils down to employment, I've been trying for months to get myself back out there, completely open and honest on health declarations when applying for a new job which hasn't been a problem until the first sign of me having an issue. My finest probably being having a panic attack mid shift and crying.
So perhaps instead of doing something with my life for now outside of the house; as that's unobtainable as far as I'm concerned, I will just blog, shitpost and wait until my next psych appointment to see what we can do from here.
I'm so tired you wouldn't believe and I'm so low, so tired of feeling like a failure and a waste of space. And so tired of not having people to talk to.
I know people have offered countless times and I'm incredibly grateful for that, but people need to understand it's incredibly difficult to reach out & seemingly impossible for me at the moment.
